Golden
by chi-of-ink
Summary: The Ice King encounters Finn without his hat and mistakes him for a princess. Finn has talk his way free. One-shot. mild, mild slash.


Once upon a time, Marceline the Vampire Queen decided it was about time she scoped out worthy competitors for a hair-battle. Her own hair was the longest and wildest that she knew of, and honestly, she needed a good yes-or-no reason if she was ever going to get it cut. It wasn't long before curiosity got the better of her and, with her useful, sneaky bat-changing skills, she managed to float her way into Finn and Jake's cozy tree house and see what was under that silly white bear hat once and for all.

Needless to say, Marceline was actually presently surprised. Finn had beautiful hair! She thought he might actually win, if they stood shoulder-to-shoulder. She giggled at the irony of it - why was he hiding all that, anyway! It was just too cute.

To her credit, she tried to get the hat back on, but Finn tossed and turned and finally she gave up and set it aside. Finn could put it back on later. Besides, she had more important things to do - one, she was hungry, and she was also pretty sure Jake had apples in the fridge, and maybe some strawberries - and two, she thought she'd get her hair cut after all. She was thinking of a punk look, something crazy and half-shaven.

When she left, she didn't take notice of the Ice King snooping about nearby, Princess-hunting...

* * *

Despite Finn the Human's every day being fantastically different, his nights were often quite the same. He slept in his clothes, in the same spacious tree house, curled up comfortably in his mahogany sleeping bag with the strings pulled tight. (And the hat stayed on, of course.)

But one day, when Finn woke up, the tree house was gone, the sleeping bag was gone - even his precious bear hat was gone! He knew this before he even opened his eyes, because he could feel his hair splayed out all around him like a thick blanket. The knowledge that his hat had been_ stolen _(because it couldn't be lost - it was always there!) was enough to make him jump to his feet, awake in record time.

Uncalled for, however, was the quick trip back down to the cold floor. Finn yelped in pain, both from the contact and the sharp tug at his head - apparently he had tripped on his hair in the hurry to get up. Pushing the platinum blonde mess out from under his feet, he rose again, successfully, only to find -

"..._Ice King!_"Finn's voice teetered dangerously high in surprise. Jake was no where to be seen, but the familiar insides of the ice castle was all around him, simple but absolutely freezing cold. Finn didn't even have his sweater with him -which could have been _nice - _but it wasn't like he had planned to wake up in the ice kingdom, anyway.

Nor did he expect to be on the _other side_ of the little bar cage in the corner of the Ice King's room.

The Ice King himself was nowhere to be found, either - not that there was many places to look, the view from the cage was pretty spartan and the cage itself didn't hold much. There wasn't even a princess hiding there...no, just him - alone, and without his _hat, _and where the heck was Jake?

"_Jake! Ice King! Jake!" _Finn started to yell, partially in anger, partially in panic - the Ice King's domain didn't scare him, but he couldn't remember the last time his hat wasn't at _least_ within arm's reach. Having it gone was like having some kind of shield gone.

"_Jakeeee!" _he screeched one more time, reaching record pitch as he kicked and shook the chilly ice bars. There was a crashing sound from somewhere deeper within the castle, and Finn quieted momentarily to listen. But all that greeted him was an familiar scratchy voice, sounding annoyingly pleased with itself: "Just a moment, my pet!"

"I'm nobody's pet!" Finn seethed to himself, shoulders hunching with anger. His hair, which was already quite a wild mess from his thrashing about, decided then that it wanted to slide over his face and completely block his vision. Finn spent a great deal of frustration trying to shove it all behind him again, now missing his hat more than ever, when the Ice King came hurrying happily into the room.

"Don't fret my dear, I'm back." he sang.

Finn ignored the odd greeting, huffing a lock of gold hair away from his mouth so he could talk without...inhaling it, or something. "What the heck Ice King! Where did m-my -" he stammered. "Let me out, Ice King! I'm gonna kick your butt! _Aiyaaaaa!_" He kicked the nearest bar so hard he thought he heard some kind of cracking sound - that, and his foot exploded with pain from the clumsy impact. Finn hoped up on one leg to take the pressure off, but only succeeded in landing back on his hair again and tripping back down to the floor.

"She's so excited to see me!" The Ice King said to the ceiling, clasping his sharp blue fingers together tightly. "Me!"

"What the flip man, I'm not excited to see you!" Finn snapped, wincing as he sat on his hair in an effort to get his feet on the floor again. Then it dawned on him: "...wait..."

"Yessss?" The monarch scrambled closer - but still out of arm's reach - grinning with shark-like teeth and eyes that were, Finn realized, kind of sickeningly pathetic. His stomach turned suddenly, recognizing this act - of course, it had never been aimed at _him_ before, usually Princess Bubblegum, though pretty much every other princess in the land of Ooo had seen it once before, but -

"...s_he!_" Finn shrieked finally as all the clues came crashing down. Giving up on standing, he sat sprawled and tangled up in gold hair, grabbing two fistfuls at his shoulders and tugging in some sort of mix of horror/disbelief. "I'm all man, dude! I'm - _ow!_"

"I'm happy for us _too_!" The Ice King cried gleefully. "You're the most beautiful one yet!"

"It's ME, poo brain! Finn the human boy!" his face colored a dusty red. "Finn the hero! I'm _Finnnn!_"

"Come now, you know that raised voices infuriate me." Ice King tsk'ed, wagging one pointy finger in Finn's direction.

"YOU BETTER LET ME OUT!" Finn demanded with what he thought was incredible patience.

"Now, now, my dear-"

"_RRRRGH, ICE KING!" _Finn shrieked, shaking the bars viciously.

"I said, _BE QUIET!_" Ice King stormed, his face darkening drastically. A flurry of white swirled about his hands, which Finn recognized easily as a kind of charge-up before attack. He gaped, which the Ice King seemed to accept as compliance. The flurries died away, and the Ice King went back to looking goofy and creepy. And old.

"I knew you'd like it here, Princess!" he cooed. "We have so much to talk about. Oh! First - " he scurried off, bunching up the hem of his robe in fists so he wouldn't trip. Finn drew in a deep, deep, deep breath and counted to 10 as slowly as he could. "Okay." he huffed, holding his palms out as he gathered himself together. "Where's Jake?"

"Cake? Ohh, your dog? I'm not a dog person, Princess, you silly!"

"His name's Jake-" Finn started uselessly again. He couldn't help but wonder how, if the Ice King had mistaken HIS identity, he could have possibly still not figured it out upon seeing Jake in the same house (assuming that the Ice King had just gone and kidnapped him when his hat was gone, for some ungodly reason.)

Finn mournfully tugged at his hair again, feeling sick at the thought of his precious hat, probably somewhere far away and being held ransom by a goblin horde or something.

From across the corner of the spacious, reflective room, the Ice King seemed to be flipping through some kind of diary, or a magazine. Finn squinted to try and make out the cover, but in a moment all he saw was platinum blonde, and once again he had to stop what he was doing to try and force the shorter locks of hair behind him.

"You don't have to show off for me, dearie!" Ice King called from his corner.

"I can't help that my hair is so luscious! It's never betrayed me before!" Finn cried. As much as he hated to admit it, the ice bars weren't giving any time soon, and they hadn't ever done so in the past, either. Which only meant one thing. He'd have to _trick_ his way out of here.

Finn sucked in a breath, squaring his feet. "Hey Ice King, can I have the key?"

The Ice King peered up from where he was fumbling with pages, combing his fingers fretfully through his beard as the paper tumbled to the ground. "Huh? What?"

"The key! The key to this cage here?"

"Nice try, Princess!" The Ice King beamed, as if that was a compliment. Finn kicked the bars again. "Come on, man, I'm not gonna run and escape or attack you for kidnapping me or anything. I'm not gonna steal your ninja stars and throw them at your ugly face!"

"This is just pre-martial nervousness you're feeling, Golden-Hair Princess!"

Finn paled. "Ew...what?"

"We're gonna be married! Married! Tomorrow, if Gunter can finish the decorations by then." The Ice King bounded close and clutched both of his captive's hands tight between his pointy blue fingers. Finn was so stunned by the creepy mental image that brought up that he forgot to take that opportunity to sock him in the face. "Then no one can take you away...not like all the other babes I once had..."

"Aw, gross." Finn squeaked when the Ice King dropped his hands.

"I know! I can't wait!"

Plan A: ask for the key, was a failure. Trying to wring the chilly feeling out of his fingertips, Finn tried to formulate a plan B. It was a lot harder than he remembered when Jake was there, saying things like Everyone Be Quiet, We Got A Plan, and then about twenty princess eyes would stare at him with worry. It was kind of hard to concentrate when he kept thinking that HE was the princess this time, which was just so STUPID - it was just hair! Didn't the Ice King even take a look at the rest of him? Although Finn honestly didn't know if that would help, it's not like all the princesses had obvious girly shapes, Slime Princess and Berry Princess and LSP...

Finn was so busy mourning the unfairness of it all that a good ten minutes passed before he even remembered he was supposed to be coming up with a plan.

It wasn't long before a flat, rapid tapping sound broke into the room, and in Gunter, the Ice King's favorite penguin. Her stubby little arms were piled high with what looked like...deflated, white balloons.

"Gunter, you're back! Did you get the decorations? Let me see, let me see." The Ice King gushed. Gunter waddled over to Finn immediately once the Ice King picked the balloons off her. She stared up at him blankly with her black, shiny eyes. Finn stared flatly back at her until she greeted him somewhat sarcastically with a low 'quack.'

"I know." Finn said.

"Quack, quack!"

"Yes, I told him! He won't believe me!"

"Quack quack quack!" Gunter began, turning toward her master and jabbing a flipper at Finn.

"Hush, Gunter, I'm planning!"

Gunter peered briefly back at Finn, shrugging. At least, he thought she was shrugging - it was as good a shrug as any penguin could manage.

"Math you, penguin. I have a plan B!" Finn announced, pointing a finger accusingly at the tiny creature. He coughed once, straightening his shoulders, careful not to get any more hair under his feet and trip again as he took a step forward. "Hey, Ice King!"

"Huh-wha? Not now my love, I'm thinking!"

"Ice King, don't I get a lady-bachelor party? Right? Right?"

"I'm planning a party!" Ice King rolled his eyes. "Don't worry, you'll like it. It's a bit traditional, but call me old-fashioned-"

"How about we order pizza then?" Finn continued, ignoring him. "It'll be so fun! Just give me the phone, and -"

The Ice King _raged. _Icicles actually fell from the ceiling when he jumped to his feet. "Ah, ah, ah! Trying to get out of your cage, Princess! I'll only fall for the phone trick once!"

Finn quickly tried to scan his brain and remember if he had ever asked for a phone before while trying to save Princess Bubblegum. It didn't seem very likely, since in the past he always had the advantage of not being locked up in a stupid ice cage, but still, he'd been Ooo's hero for years. Maybe he should have kept a scrapbook or something.

"Besides, the ice kingdom has no phone now! I just shriek from the highest mountain..." he sighed fondly.

Finn smacked his palm against his temple in distress. Oh, what he wouldn't do to have Jake and his key-hand here.

Fine, then...it was time for the final...final...plan. As much as he hated to admit it, or even _think_ about it, or even _think about thinking about it, _it had to be done. The horrible, terrible, _un-mathematical _plan C.

Finn was just glad no one else would be here to taunt him about it later.

Tossing his long, long gold hair about him, Finn tried his best to lay it around him nicely before wrapping a single lock of it cutely around his finger. "Oh, Ice King?" he tried in his best, albeit lame, falsetto. "I just suddenly remembered, I do want to marry you!"

"I've had-" The Ice King raised a blue fist, then stopped comically, mid-rage. "...wait, what?"

"That's right! You're the funnest guy _ever_. I love old people...and, uh...magic!"

The monarch blinked empty gray eyes at him. "Eh? You do?"

"Oh, yeah, magic users are algebraic. I mean it!" He crooked a beckoning finger through the bars. "Come in here and...tell me about yourself!"

The Ice King narrowed his eyes slowly. "I...I don't believe you. You..you want to get out of your cage!"

"No, no!" Finn implored. "I just wanna do girly things to you. See?" he flipped a piece of blonde hair over his shoulder. "Rad."

"Hmm." The Ice King regarded him suspiciously.

"Come in here and show me some magic or something." Finn chirped, trying his best to look Princess-y. "I'm soooo lonely."

"Wow." The Ice King said blankly, making Finn regret the entire basis of the plan in just one fraction of a second. He fumbled backwards stupidly as the Ice King twisted the door open and stepped inside.

For one weird second, Finn had no freaking idea what to do, because it wasn't often the Ice King was alone with him and giving him that excited look that was more often than not directed toward some tied-up maiden from a different kingdom. His hair made a decent kind of cloak around him, and for a moment he actually started to hide behind it before he remembered _oh, yeah, sweet, I can kick him now._

So Finn hit him with a roundhouse kick to the face, knocking the Ice King flat on his back. Two or three ice bolts zoomed past him before he managed to hold down the Ice King's skinny arms. "Golden-Hair Princess!" he shrieked. "Let go or I'LL KILL YOUUUU!"

"Dude, you are _sick!_" Finn screamed at him. "Also, _WHERE DID YOU PUT MY HAT?_"

"You don't have at hat! Now get back - _ooph!_" The Ice King gasped loudly when Finn punched his beard. The stunned second was all he needed to aim another kick, and _wham_ - the Ice King was out like a light.

"Yikes." Finn huffed. He looked around him hurriedly - and yes, the door was still open! Sweet. If he didn't get out of here now, Gunter was going to notice, and Finn had seen the Ice King's semi-loyal minion's before - as much as he loved a fight, his hat was the bigger issue here.

Pushing his hair behind him again so he didn't trip, Finn took a deep breath and began to sprint his way to freedom.

* * *

The Treehouse echoed with the sound of retro midi music, accompanied by the random laughter of one sleepy, shape-shifting dog.

"Man, I love this game." Jake giggled, twisting his hands in loops as he fumbled with the controller buttons. "Way to go, Beemo."

Beemo, whose face was currently hidden behind said video game, opted to raise a waving hand in acknowledgment instead.

It was around that time that Finn crashed through the window, breathing hard and half-hidden behind a wild mess of blonde hair.

"Whoa! Dude!" Jake lept to his feet, mouth wide with surprise and hands grasping aimlessly at the hair. "You're - wow! Finn!"

"Where's my hat?" Finn asked hysterically, shoving gold tresses out of his face again. "And what the heck man, didn't you notice I was gone?"

Jake cast a blank look to the quilt bundled up on the couch next to him. It was tied around the center with ribbon, and Finn saw there was even a little smiley face painted in the center. "I thought you were right here, Finn!" Jake confessed, blinking rapidly at the blanket as if he just now realized it wasn't alive.

"I - _ugh! _Okay, then where's my hat?"

"Oh! I thought I saw something like that under the bed! Hold on!"

"How!"Finn cried as Jake bounded into the opposite room, shrinking down noticeably as he did so. A few seconds later, he was back, holding the tattered white cloth in one hand. "Why'd you throw your hat away, dude?" he asked honestly.

"I didn't!" Finn said, thumping down cross-legged so he could start pulling the hat back on properly. Jake watched with starry-eyed amazement as he pushed all the blonde hair back inside. "I'd never do that!"

"Well, someone did." Jake pointed out reasonably. "Where were you, anyway?"

"N...nowhere!" Finn's face flushed a dark red, and he gritted his teeth rather threateningly at nothing in particular. "I don't want to talk about it."

Jake shrugged, patting him on the shoulder timidly. "You're home now. But on the downside, you missed me clearing level twenty of Conversation Parade: Remix 2."

And they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
